alotofliam2

The Liam Nissan

Dear Nissan,

I’ve come up with your next campaign. I don’t know who has been doing your other campaigns, and I don’t want to step on any toes, but when a great idea hits you, sometimes you gotta just roll with it. So without further ado, I present:

The Liam Nissan

As you will soon see, the possibilities are infinite and the results are epic.

Here we have the Liam Knows Bestliamknowsbest2

Followed by the always classy Liam Pensativoliampensativo2

Next is the I’m So Taken With Liamdontmess2

And of course, let’s not forget, A Whole Lotta Liam.alotofliam2

Obviously this is just the beginning. Call me.

Sincerely,

Charlotte Dean

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Just A Guy Looking for Love

“Just A Guy Looking for Love”

Hello ladies,

The title says it all…but it doesn’t say everything.

This guy right here is not one that can be easily defined.

I love crime, war and fighting movies, but I’m 100% against all types of violence. Even necessary violence.

I’m curious and filled with wonder and I’m looking to explore you. I know all about geography if you know what I mean.

I weigh between 150-200 lbs. or so and I am one of the most balanced people around.

This guy right here is hard working. I’m not kidding. You should see me chop vegetables. I think people get scared away because of how much I’ve got going for me. They think I’m too good to be true.

So luckily… I’m still not taken! But I am a limited edition one-time offer. If you think you’re not good enough for me… well, you might not be.

Let’s get caught in a snowstorm together and find out!

Full disclosure: I love breasts. I think it’s because to me, they’re so feminine. They always make me think of women.

I’m manly, but full of surprises. Do you know how open I am? I bet you can’t wait to find out!

You’d better hurry.

True happiness awaits!

-BigWiz76

theundergroundhogcrop

The Undergroundhog

Lorelai was the most beautiful undergroundhog in all the underground. She had big puffy lips and her hair was so long she almost tripped on it all the time. She had no muffin tops or pimples at all. Not even one.

All the hot undergroundhog guys were totally into her. They carried her books and gave her gum. Everyone wanted to date her because she looked so much like Beyonce. That is everyone except for Pretzel.

Pretzel was Lorelai’s best friend. She really tried to like Lorelai, but like all best friends, she secretly hated her. Pretzel’s hair was chunky and short and she barely had any lips at all. No one ever gave Pretzel any gum. She wanted Lorelai gone.

One day, Prezel convinced Lorelai that she could be a model, but in order to do so, she’d have to run away and leave the underground.

Pretzel and Lorelai came out of the underground and walked over to the main road to New York City. Lorelai hugged Pretzel goodbye and started off down the road. A few seconds later, a big 18 wheeler truck came by and squashed Lorelai into the ground.

Pretzel cut the long hair from Lorelai’s smushed up body and made herself some realistic looking extensions. That night, she got pregnant for the first time.

Kids: If you want to be happy, you have to work for it. No one will love you for who you are unless you’re better than you are.

And remember, if you’re pretty, don’t ever leave your hole.

The end.

Primitive Survival Skills

Dear Tyler,

I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but I feel like we’re headed in different directions. I’m not saying we should break up, but I am looking for something else.

I mean… do you have any primitive survival skills at all?

I really don’t think you could make a fire. Surviving is all about believing in yourself and I just don’t feel that way about you. Like I’ve never killed a snake in person before, but I’m 100% sure I can do it. I know it’s hard for some people, but it’s easy for me. I can tell.

It just doesn’t seem fair. We’d have this amazing snake meal that would just be ruined because you can’t make fire.

Do you remember last week when I asked you to go up on the roof and clean the leaves out of the gutters and you said it was a bad idea because it was raining? I just can’t see myself committing long-term to someone who is so afraid of life.

How are you going to protect me? I feel like we’ll be out in the jungle and on the first day you’re going to eat poisonous berries and die and I’ll be all alone and pissed. I can’t believe how unprepared you are.

I definitely don’t think you’re a worthless person in general, but I see myself with more of a taller, survivor type of guy.

Can you even open a coconut?

Well anyway, let me know if you want me to pick up some Thai food on the way home.

Love,

Denise

Who’s Booty Is That?

Yet another classic from Donald Bigbelow. This is his first romantic mystery novel. I’m honored to post it here on my blog.

“Who’s Booty Is That?”

It was dark outside and slippery from rain. Detective Bruno was walking around investigating and he tripped on something sexy. Whoa. Is that a booty? He used his detective skills and said, “Are you dead?”

The booty said “No. My name is Brenda. I was scared, so I started doing my yoga. See?” She did downward doggie and Bruno said “let me investigate with my private dick.”

They did it rainy day style in the nighttime. “I feel so much safer now,” said Brenda.

Case closed.

Fin

Surprise Party

Dear Mr. Wellington,

My name is Danny Harper. I’ve had my account with the GRB Credit Union for two years now, and I’m mostly happy with your services. I’m writing today to inquire about a small personal loan. I need $750.

Recently my mom broke her hip and now she’s in the hospital. I don’t need the money for medical bills- her insurance covers that. I really want to do something nice for her birthday. A GREAT surprise! I mean all out, with firecrackers and a stripper. She’ll NEVER see it coming. I know you’re probably thinking that’s not the kind of party a mom would enjoy, but trust me; it will shock her pants off. And that’s what I want to see.

My mom loves surprises. One time my dad had a surprise party for her on the beach. Another time, he surprised her with a trip to Italy. I want this to be just like that!

There’s a stripper named Lalissa Fremont that would be perfect to hire. I don’t know another stripper as thoughtful and creative as Lalissa. We met by chance at her work, and I can’t stop thinking about her. I think hiring her to strip for my mom’s party would help Lalissa to see that there’s more to the world than stripping in nightclubs. There are much safer places to strip. Lalissa said she’d work my mom’s party for $500. I’m asking for $750 so that I’ll have money for the firecrackers, the Diet Dr. Pepper and for VIP treatment.

I do have a few questions regarding the loan. Will you be giving me the full amount, or do you want to hire Lalissa directly? I can’t promise that she will give you as good a deal as she is giving me. Also, I know there are different types of loans. Do you guys give a type of loan that’s a gift?

Please let me know soon. Time is of the essence.

Danny

Matilda

Matilda-

Regarding our conversation last night- have you given any more thought to becoming a better person? I find that making a list of attainable goals really helps. I started one for you to help you succeed. Here ya go:

  1. Go back to church.
  1. Find your true self.
  1. Always remember you don’t need anyone else to be happy.
  1. Meet a good man.
  1. Find out if he goes to church and make sure he is not a cheater. Investigate!
  1. Be kind to everyone at work, even Toby.
  1. Find a different hairstyle.
  1. Become legendary.

9.Learn to feel music with your whole body. This will make you appear sexier in the eyes of men.

10.Don’t be afraid to change things about yourself that people don’t like.

I have more on the list, but I don’t want to overwhelm you. The point is if you want a husband, you have to not want a husband first. You might as well try and become a better person while you wait.

You don’t have a lot to lose. I hope this was helpful.

See you Friday,

Tammy